Okay, so I finally started the blog thing. I've been talking about it for some time now. The weather outside isn't to bad. It's 40 degrees out, which is a heat wave after having below zero for quite sometime now. Did I ever mention I am not made for Wisconsin.
I am doing alright today. The stitches came out today, with the help of Paul. It hasn't healed all the way and will leave a scar, but I guess it can match the others. The last time was more than just a cry for help. I actually intended to finish the job, but became spooked when I realized how did I actually had gone. Attempted suicide seems like another world right now. I don't think I would do it today..things do seem to change in nanoseconds. Mother thinks I should see someone again. I am already upset over the fact that three stitches nearly cost me $500. Well, I guess it hasn't cost me anything since I have yet to pay the bill.
I texted him today. I honestly don't know if I have feelings for him, or want to play in this fantasy world of that I am actually in love with someone. I wonder if someone like me can even be in love, much less loved. Perhaps I should tell you about him.
It wasn't a romantic place. It wasn't even a nice place. I was at a hick bar in the middle of Wisconsin. It was summer, my favorite season. I love the warmth and the sun on my face. Jeff, the current beau, and I decided to go out drinking. In Wisconsin consumption of alcohol in vast amounts is actually considered the norm. The night was going just fine. Jeff and I hadn't even fought over anything that day. Nor had any yelling occurred, which was nice for a change. He had a chance to sign karaoke, so that made him happy. I had a chance to get out of the house, so that satisfied me. Since it was nice outside, half of the bar was outside in the large open building that was used when the weather was warm. I passed him on the way to the bathroom, of all places. He caught my eye, as I caught his. Perhaps, it was the warm atmosphere or the alcohol involved, but I like what I saw. Apparently, so did he. We echanged glances and were on our way again. Later that night I ran into him inside the bar when Jeff was outside. We had a brief conversation. I occasionally like to smoke when I drink and this was no exception. Tom held cigarettes in his hand and was going on to the deck to smoke. I went outside with him. We found we were both with our signifcant others. The same ones we are with today. Somehow I found myself in his arms and kissed him under the stars. It wasn't something I would ever expect myself to do. I never regretted kissing Tom that night. Nor did I regret getting his phone number. Later, after thinking of the encounter I wondered if I merely had to much to drink. Tom and I stayed in touch for the next few weeks. We seemed to get along as though we had known each other for a longer period. Tom lived out of town about two hours away and we were both busy with our own schedules. He found himself traveling closer to where I lived and was willing to meet one day. I had to find out if that night was just a fluke or not. I was quite nervous that I would later regret what I had did and find out Tom wasn't who I thought I was. Turned out it made me like him all the more. I found him very attractive and had a hard time keeping my eyes off of him. He had dark hair with a dash of red. A nice prominant jawline and his eyes were the deepest of ocean blue I had ever seen. It didn't help that his muscles were defined even under his shirt. Tom did a lot of landscaping in the summer, and his hard work had shown. We spoke about our lives, the things we regret in life, our family, our views and just about everything else in between. That was our last encounter. Neither of us had been happy in our current relationships at the time. We kept in touch over the phone, but about two weeks later he found out his girlfriend Sam was pregnant. I wanted him to try and make things work with her for the baby and eventually Sam found out about me. She had deleted my phone number from his phone and I decided not to call him so I wouldn't interfere. A week later, I texted him to say hello. As much as I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about Tom and his deep blue eyes. I have had a fair share of "lusts" in my life; somehow this felt different. I couldn't ignore it. The baby hasn't been born yet. Inside I hope the best for him, Sam and the baby. Whatever he decides to do. I have quite a few things on my plate as it is and have to choose a certain path here soon.
Will moving help anything? It's one of the paths I have to consider. I am not very happy in my current relationship. It would be easy to move except I am currently enrolled in school and have quite a bit of baggage. I think two cats, two dogs and seven horses are considered a large amount of baggage. They are my life, and I wouldn't leave without them. I could get down to three horses...my mares, but no less.
I am currently going for Medical Assistance. With the economy I wanted something I could easily find a job at when I am finished. It's not really something I ever dreamed of doing. I can always go on another path later.
Well I suppose I should let this go for the day. I still have homework I need to finish.
-Kat
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